Notícias | - 4:45 pm
"I would cry at night asking God to just kill me"
From the outside looking in, it seemed like I had everything. My dad was a lawyer and provided sufficiently for all of us, giving my mom the freedom to leave her career and studies to take care of me and my sister. We lacked nothing financially. This is what everyone seems to sacrifice and work so hard for, but I learned from an early age that money and comfort couldn’t buy us peace.
Inside our home was like hell. Soon after I was born, my mom’s strange personality quirks transitioned into full on schizophrenia/bipolar. No one could control her. All of us became consumed with how to control and calm her down before she did something irrational. Everyday she would have loud and aggressive conversations with the voices she was hearing. Although we tried to keep it in the house, it wasn’t always possible. Confrontations would occur with employees at the supermarket, with my friends, parents, and teachers from school. You can imagine how these types of things caused problems for my dad’s career and my education and social life.
Seeing my mom like this saddened me. Sometimes she was abusive and aggressive towards me too. All I wanted was a “normal” family. I didn’t want more money. I just wanted peace in my home and I didn’t know where to get it. I grew up in a Catholic church where I remember learning how to fulfill the religious duties of a Catholic but never knew that God could transform my family. I started having symptoms of depression from the age of 6 because I didn’t see a purpose to life. I felt very insecure and ugly. When I turned 10 I became very distracted and got poor grades in school.
I wasn’t taking showers or doing my homework. I had no motivation. I would read fantasies, watch tons of movies and stay on the computer for hours just to escape my reality. I started wearing makeup at 11 years old to attempt to cover how ugly I was. I wouldn’t even let my dad see me without makeup because I felt so ugly, I would go to sleep with it on. I started getting more and more interested with the fictional world I was creating in my head. I became very interested in punk rock and metal, where many of the musicians would sing about drugs, suicide and a life of anarchy. I truly believed that I wouldn’t live past thirty, and that once I had the courage to do it I would take my life.
As soon as I turned 18 my plan was to leave my home and family, and make my way somehow. I had read about people who abandoned society and survived by working odd jobs and essentially living off other’s trash. It sounded crazy but that was what made sense to
me because I saw that money wasn’t making my mother happy or helping her, so why would it make me happy? She had good doctor’s, a faithful husband who took care of her through everything and money. I didn’t consider ever that God could help me.
I would cry at night and just ask God to kill me. I didn’t think to ask Him to help me, only to kill me. I would cut myself but I was too afraid to kill myself. I would sneak out of my house, and meet up with boys that would offer me weed. I would smoke with them but I wanted something more. I wasn’t interested in alcohol because my mom had a problem with it, but I wanted something stronger than marijuana to sedate me and to eventually kill me. The only thing stopping me was disappointing my father because I did respect him to an extent for all that he had done for my mother, but I knew that once I turned 18 and left home, I would have the freedom to do whatever I wanted.
I am so grateful that a few months before I turned 18, I found the Universal Church. My aunt was already attending, and started talking to me about everything she was learning there about faith. I decided to come and see what it was all about. When I came, I learned how to use my faith and was delivered from depression. I learned about the holy spirit and how important it is to have Him. I began seeking for the holy spirit on the train, in the bathroom at school, at home! I finally received Him after a lot of effort, and it was the most amazing day! I realized that I had purpose and that God would use me to save others. That I am useful and can do anything! I was the beginning of a new life and I continue to live today. Now, I have motivation and everything I put my mind to, I do well in. I don’t set limitations for myself and I’m excited for each new day and now my main mission is for everyone to know about the faith that I have.